Pineappleman: What are you wearing right now? Tease me baby.
Curves: A black silk robe…open. I’m lying in my bed thinking of you and that beard of yours scraping over my nipples.
Pineappleman: Fuck, the things you do to a man. I’m stuffing that sweet pussy with two thick fingers while sucking on your clit. Touch yourself and pretend it’s me.
Curves. I’m so wet. Your fingers fucking me, your tongue tasting me.
Pineappleman: I’m so damn hard. We could meet, get a room. You and me no strings. One night.
Curves: I’m licking my fingers, pretending they’re yours…
Pineappleman: You’re killing me, woman. At least send me a photo.
Pineappleman: So no photo no room. Will you call me? Can I call you. Let me hear you while you get off.
Curves: I’ll call you. I’m not about to give you my number so you can track down my address and break in on me and molest me in my sleep or something.
Pineappleman: I promise you’d enjoy it. Anyway 555-9876
“Pineappleman,” I whisper.
“Fuck me, sweetheart, your voice is even better than I imagined.”
I have to admit hearing his husky voice is a relief.
A girl never can be too careful. I’ve seen too many episodes of Catfish. It’s a scary world out there.
“So, you still stroking that cock for me?” A smile spreads across my face. I’ve been chatting with Pineappleman for months.
“Damn straight I am. You got your fingers buried in that pussy for me?”
I blush even though he can’t see me. I am so not this forward in person.
I can’t believe I actually caved and called him.
My fingers glide in and out of my velvet tunnel while Pineappleman grunts in my ear, telling me all the things he’d do to get me off. “I’d lick you all over. Suck on them titties…finger fuck that pussy.”
Eventually, I fall asleep to the sound of his heavy breathing on the line, wishing I could open up more. Wishing I was a risk taker. However, I’ve seen too many episodes of shows about unsolved murders where women disappear after meeting a man online.
“Faye, please do this for me,” my brother, Eddie, tries pleading with my deaf ears. I’m not falling for it this time. Last time I did him a favor, I ended up getting into a catfight with Darin’s ex-girlfriend. That girl is vile. I bear a scar on my left arm from her claws. “But he doesn’t wanna put Beans in boarding that long.”
I grumble, he knows I have a sweet spot for Beans—Darin’s Boston Terrier.
Darin is my brother’s best friend and business partner; they are both also my employers. They always me need to do them favors that end in trouble for me. Way more trouble than it is usually worth.
I shake my head. He isn’t going to guilt me. Nope. Not this time.
The last time I went to Darin’s condo, it was so Jillian could pick up her clothes after they’d split up and she’d moved out. She was trying to take shit that didn’t belong to her, and I ended up getting in a dispute over Darin’s grandma’s china. They hadn’t even been dating that long, and I couldn’t accept it when they moved into together. Darin isn’t a commitment type of guy. He never has been. I have observed his revolving door of relationships since I was in grade school. That’s when he moved in down the street from us and he was girl crazy at the age of twelve, sneaking girls into my brother’s treehouse and playing seven minutes in heaven.
“We’ve already purchased the tickets. Non-refundable.”
“Not my dilemma! You could’ve cleared with me before accepting the job!” I slam the door to his office and escape to my desk—my place. I know it fully. I work as a secretary for my brother and Darin. They own a contracting business. I hold down the office while they gallivant across the country building tree-houses. Absolutely, you are reading that accurately, I said treehouses. It’s a popular thing now. My brother is good at what he does. Although when he announced to my family what he wished to do for a living I had a good laugh.
Eddie has always been a big dreamer and a believer in chasing rainbows. I’ve always been the more reserved one, the one who recognizes their place in the world. I’m a chubby, a plump girl—thunder thighs. Tell me a fat girl joke and I can probably do you one better. I learned fast to laugh at myself before others could. I wouldn’t have survived high school if I hadn’t. I was the bright, playful, pudgy young woman who was
inhaling her emotions in her weight in donuts.
Eddie opens his door and parks his bottom on the corner of my desk. I’m not bitter that him and Darin are discovering the world all the while all I’m seeing is my computer screen.
“Come on, Faye. I’d ask Claire to do it but she’s in the city all week at the firm.” I roll my eyes and grimace. Claire’s my brother’s skinny bitch of a girlfriend; she’s an entertainment lawyer. Perfect figure, perfect heart-shaped face—one I’d like to punch. She’s all wrong for my brother. But what do I know? I merely lived with him for twenty years, until I went away to college, after our dad passed away from colon cancer.
“Don’t start that shit. I know you don’t care for Claire, but she’s the one. Muffin,” he states with a grin, knowing it will make me smile. Our dad always called me Muffin, since I was a baby. I was heavy then too. I’ve always been on the curvy side of the scale. “What’s it going to take, Faye?” He tugs on my blonde tendril and it springs back into place.
“I need a raise. I want my weekends off. No more on call for emergencies, that needs to fall on you and Darin.” My brother is a huge tightwad. There’s no way I’ll get more money out of him. He’s saving to build Claire her dream home and give her a lavish wedding. Gag me.
A Woman like Claire will never be satisfied. She thinks Eddie will give up on his treehouses and join corporate America. That will never happen. Him and Darin have dreamed of this since they were boys and now that they are actually living and breathing their dream, they’ll never give it up. I’ll never let that happen. Our dad was so proud the day he started this business for real. Growing up, Eddie was constantly building something. Whether it be a clubhouse or a box car, he loved making things.
“Done. Darin and I have been talking about raising your salary for a few months. You do good here, Faye. We’d be lost without you.”
I hold my palm to my breast, biting back my tears. Eddie never says thank you or implies at the slightest inclination that I am appreciated. His forest green eyes that mirror my own are radiating with pride. Is he really proud of me? He runs his fingers through his golden mane, that reaches his shoulders. I call him a dirty hippie in his flannels and holey jeans.
One perk of working for my brother—the tree hugger, I can wear what I choose to work. He never speaks a word about my pinup alter ego. I prefer to dress very glamorous, despite my stature. I embrace my curvy side now days. I love rockabilly fashion. Once I went away to college I met other girls like me and jointly we learned to embrace our size. Today, I’m wearing my lemon print capris, and a red scoop neck tee paired with my candy apple red peep-toe pumps.
“Okay then, tell Darin to leave his keys and instructions on my desk.”
“You won’t regret this, sis.” He kisses my cheek and yells for his colleague. “Yo, Darin, it’s a go. We need to be at the airport in two hours.”
I scowl at my brother and his all-knowing shit-eating-smirk. They planned to spring this on me, last minute, all along. Assholes.
Darin steps from his office, the sheer opposite of my brother. Wavy brown hair, cropped short with an all-around fade. He’s suave in his fitted jeans and black crew shirt. He has a nice gym body. We usually workout together three days a week. I admit I’ve always had a bit of a juvenile crush on him, but I likewise know he’s a player and would never see me as anything but “Muffin” top that is. I suppose he’s become my best friend too in a peculiar sense. I can hardly recall an occasion when he wasn’t a part of my existence.
Beans is trailing behind him grunting like a little pig. His ears are standing tall as Darin leads him to me by his harnessed leash.
“Auntie Faye is gonna take good care of ya, boy.” He crouches down and lifts him up for a goodbye kiss, before depositing him on my lap. Thankfully this dog doesn’t shed, or we’d be fighting. I don’t like pet hair getting on my clothes. Finding quality clothes in my style and size isn’t cheap. Plus-size fashion is pricey. Add top of the market quality in and I can spend two weeks’ pay on one outfit.
“Later, losers.” I flip Eddie the bird as Darin leaves his keys on my desk.
“Thanks, Faye. I truly appreciate this. We’ll talk when I get back. I’ll treat you to dinner.” He kisses the corner of my mouth delicately. His velvety lips brush the corner of my mouth, and for a moment I thought he was going to actually kiss me. But just that light brush of his lips, causes my mouth to tingle. I am certain I am blushing. You’d think after all these years that his charm wouldn’t affect me but it does. I’m like a handful of M&M’s melting in his palm.
“Sure, whatever, if I’m not busy,” I respond with a weak smile. What does we’ll talk mean? When I glance up he’s still standing by my desk with an idiotic grin on his face. It’s unnatural. I know my response sounds bitchy but I have been stood up by him one too many times for an easy lay in the past.
“Well…have a good trip.”
“You too. I mean, I’ll talk to you later. Bye, Faye.”
“Bye,” I whisper and wonder if he’s been drinking in his office.
Darin grabs his luggage with a wink. When he should open the door to go out it he strolls into the wall. He shakes his head and leaves.